So this is Christmas.....

I've neglected my blog. I'll admit it. I'm lame at blogging ;) I have so many friends who are expert bloggers. They amaze me with their eloquent words and beautiful pictures.
I aspire to be more like them but alas I'm not.
I have been working hard on Stop FASD Today! The website is coming along. I really need a good web designer to help me so if anyone reading this knows of one that would donate their time/services, please let me know :)

I'm thinking we will be launching the new site in the next few months. It's taking longer than I anticipated but I know it will be worth the wait.

Bo and Boo are doing well. They are busy with school. Boo now knows ALL of his letters!!!! He amazes me every day with his intelligence.

I'm still working on juggling all of Bo and Boo's services but things seem to finally be falling into a nice rhythm.

I can't believe we are in the last week of 2010! Where did this year go? Where did the last 18 years go for that matter? We will be celebrating our 18th wedding anniversary next week and I honestly can remember our wedding day like it was yesterday!

It's been quite a ride but I think the best is yet to come ;)

Merry Christmas to everyone and a very Happy and Blessed New year!!!!

And I'm back.................

Well that last few months have been a bit of a roller coaster ride. I have all sorts of health issues and unfortunately my body decided to get my attention last month by sending me to the ER. I'll spare you the details but what started out as the possibility of Crohns disease ended at the possibility of endometrial cancer. Thankfully I don't have the latter. I had to have a biopsy last week and the results came back benign. I can't tell you how SCARY these past few weeks have been wondering and waiting. It has also been especially crazy because we started back up with school! The boys both have IEP's and evaluations going on. Boo started Speech, OT and academic tutoring and Bo is back with his VI teacher twice a week. I've been running around like a chicken with no head trying to get things into somewhat of a routine and in the midst of all this has been several Dr's appts for me and Boo. Needless to say, I haven't had time to tend to this blog OR to StopFASt. The good news is that now that things are somewhat under control, I'm ready to tackle my project again!
I don't have all the answers to my health issues and I still need to sort a few things out to get to the root cause of things but I am taking it one day at a time. I'm eating healthier, eating less and losing weight! I'm working on changing old habits (bye bye chocolate!) and incorporating new ones (hello veggies!). It's not easy but it's all part of the process of healing!
Until next time........

Life

To say things have been busy would be an understatement. Life has once again taken the form of a tornado. There are so many things going on and no time to truly stop and update or even think for that matter. I'm going to summarize using bullet points because while I'm determined to give an update, I'm literally falling asleep as I type.

*Stop FASt is in the works but is moving slow. I am still in need of a graphic artist so if anyone knows of one willing to do a charity project, please let me know :)

*We started school and haven't had a moment to breathe. There are lots of services to set up and the kids all have different interests, etc so it will be a busy year!

*I've had all sorts of health issues including an ER trip and a few specialists. I've never had the best "stomach" and right now my body is telling me to pay attention to it....so I am...

I could elaborate for hours on all three of those points but will have to save it for another day.

Until next time.....

Quick update...

Stop FASt is coming along although there may be a name change;) I've had a rough couple of weeks with some illnesses but hopefully will soon be on the mend and back in business.
This is a slow process and patience is the key but I know that perseverance will pay off in the end. UCLA has been very gracious and is working hard to make my vision a reality.

Lots more to update...stay tuned!

Stop FASt, give a dollar! (preview)

As I've mentioned before, there is something huge in the works in my life. God has put it on my heart and made it very known to me what I need to do. With the help of a major university, we will be launching a big FASD awareness campaign!!!! This is still in the VERY early stages but I've been given the green light by this university to go ahead with my plan. There are so many details to work out. I have no business background, no marketing background, no public relations background but I somehow will be tackling all of these things and more as I embark on this new chapter of my life. I keep saying "my" but it really is about "us". It will include my family, friends, strangers, my blogging friends/acquaintances and anyone else that is passionate about FASD awareness.
Our vision has several goals.

1. To bring awareness of FASD to every person in the US and
potentially worldwide.
2. To educate Social Services, Physicians (particularly peds and dev. peds),
hospitals, children’s clinics, DCFS, WIC offices, Social workers,
Educators, Administrators, LAW ENFORCEMENT, etc on the
REALITY of FASD. (ie: What does it look like? Treatment?
Prevention? Prevalence?)
3. To raise enough awareness that would generate funds for an FASD
research/treatment center at UCLA.
4. To bring together all grassroots operations around the country who
have the same vision of getting awareness out into their communities.
5. Uniting the fight against FASD with the simple idea that anyone can
help end FASD by simply donating a $1.

Now I realize someone living in a different state than Ca. might not see the benefit of donating money to opening a research and assessment center so far away but these centers are so desperately needed everywhere. There are some great hospitals and universities around the country right now that do offer diagnosis of FASD's but they are few and far between. The need is great and the time is now.

I do not want to see my son fall through the cracks anymore. I do not want my son to become another statistic. I do not want my friends children to be a statistic either. 80% of inmates NATIONWIDE have been through the foster care system at one point in their lives. Up to 70% of foster children have been affected by alcohol. These stats are frightening. Alcohol exposure in utero leads to permanent brain damage. Brain damage that includes but is not limited to: loss of executive brain function, poor impulse control, hyperactivity, poor memory, lower IQ, learning disabilities, stunted emotional growth (fewer than 10% of people with FASD are able to achieve success with working and living independently).

So where do we go from here? Well, I'm praying that God will pave a clear path for me and honestly, I'm doing this one step at a time through Him.

If you have a child with FASD and are reading this, please let me know if you would like to help (even praying is GREATLY appreciated). Right now we are in the planning and development stage and I am unclear on a lot of things. I am very excited to be doing this and will share at a later time how it all came to be in the first place.

That's all for now since it's nearly midnight and I still need to clean up the house a bit before I hit the sack. Until next time.......

It's like trying to wash your windows during a hurricane.....

As I said in my last post, I'm working on cleaning/organizing/simplifying. It's a process but it's been consistent. I'm proud of the work I've accomplished so far because I'm seeing results and am so happy with the changes I'm making. However, the title of this post says it all.
While I'm working on cleaning out a cupboard, Boo is raging over something in another room, making a huge mess. He needs one on one time nearly constantly. He needs reminders, redirection and someone who knows how to "change the channel" in his brain when he gets stuck on something.
I'm typing on my laptop that has several missing keys because Boo was mad and ripped them off the other day. This was after he raged in his own room and dumped every toy out of his bins/closet/etc. It's tiresome to constantly deal with unreasonable little brains. It's exhausting.
So I have to give myself grace and realize that Rome wasn't built in a day. The house will get cleaned and organized but it will get messy and disorganized again.
Baby steps. Just like Boo learning to control his rage and Bo learning braille. Two steps forward, one step back.
Until next time.....

Busy Busy Busy.....

So much going on lately! Aside from the big "thing" that I'm working on and talked about in a previous post (which I promise will be revealed soon!), I've been trying to get our house in order. It's summer and I'd like for us to enjoy some down time but I also know that Sept. is right around the corner so the time for organizing, cleaning out and reconfiguring things is now. I'm also in the process of figuring out curriculum for next year for the kids. One of the benefits of homeschooling is the freedom to choose curriculum based on a child's needs. This is great but of course it takes tons of time hunting down that perfect curriculum for each individual child.

I was able to score some great supplementary materials last week at a garage sale. I found a finger puppet theater with puppets, a felt board with felt people/animals, some super big Magic School Bus books (floor size), some foam puzzles, a Lakeshore Teacher planner (brand new), an elementary art curriculum book, a large pocket chart with stacks of words to make sentences, a stack of Brain Quest cards, a stack of dinosaur books for Boo (he picked them all out and they even threw in a large dinosaur time line poster for free!), and a huge Sterilite container full of Play Mobile toys!!! I spent $20 on all of the above and my car was loaded up with great treasures! Now I have to try to organize it all so it's easily accessible and doesn't add to the clutter!

But of course like I said before, we're trying to take some time to relax too and refuel so we're ready to plunge back into school come Sept. with a refreshed mind and attitude.

We're going to head to the beach one day this week and Bo starts Judo too so we'll be having some fun adventures! Until next time.......

The word "Normal".....(warning...this is a rant)

I'm sitting here tonight angry. I'm angry, sad and frustrated. There are many reasons why but one in particular tonight set me off the deep end. Boo has a new tic. He tends to repeat himself (under his breath) after he finishes a sentence. Sometimes he does it before too. I think he's trying to let what he says sink in himself. He has some processing deficits.
So tonight I was trying to find a "name" for this new tic and I came across a message board where a mother of a neuro typical child was going on and on how her son started doing (the same thing Boo does). She was horrified at his behavior and told him he needed to stop it because it wasn't socially appropriate. She used the words "bizarre, weird and not normal".
For some, reading this blog post, may not see the big deal in what she said. Heck, 10 years ago, I maybe would have agreed with her!
Now? I am sickened by her choice of words. It hurts my heart and it makes me angry. It feels like a direct attack on MY child. It's just ONE more thing that people can criticize him for.
I should have prefaced all of this by saying we went to church this morning for the first time in a long time. I shadowed Boo in his first grade class! (They promoted last week). While all the other kiddos were sitting still listening to the short message, Boo was crawling all over the carpet. When it was time to play "Bingo", Boo couldn't read any of the words. When it was time to answer questions, it took Boo too long to understand the question, that he didn't have a chance to answer.
To top all of that off, Bo had a tough time in his class as well. He wanted to sit with his friend who sat towards the back. Well then Bo couldn't see the short movie they showed followed by the worship songs (the words are on the screen). He's 10 so it's not like he feels comfortable saying "Hey, friend, can we go sit up front so I can see better". Then I find out that he didn't get his Bingo card. He said he asked twice but they didn't hear him....so he missed out on that too!
So after all of that, the last thing I wanted to hear is a mother ranting about the possibility of her child not being "normal".
I HATE that word. It infers that if you don't fit in perfectly you're not "normal". What the heck is "normal" anyway? I have yet to see a prototype of "normal". Every human I know has issues. We all have our quirks, our weaknesses, our fears, our limitations. So if being "normal" means you have little to no tolerance for "not normal", then maybe I'll stick to "not normal". I don't like the exclusivity of a club where I have to look and talk like everyone to fit in. Even if that club is termed "life". (end rant)

***I do have to add that Boo won a Bingo game at church (I helped him find the words). He won a piece of candy. He then turned to the little boy next to him and gave him his candy. He did this on his own with no prodding from me. His teacher recognized what he did and gave him another piece :)

Hamster Time!!

As if we didn't have enough going on with 2 cats and a dog, we have added a hamster. Now for those that know me, you know that we are FAR from the perfect pet owners. But.....this is more of a therapeutic tactic. Our dog is a "family" dog, the cats are really Banana's thing. This new pet is just for Boo. As a matter of fact, he is responsible for his hamster. We had several long discussions prior to going to the pet store. Actually in FASD world, even though I was telling Boo that the hamster would need daily interaction, fresh food, water and a clean cage, he heard "blah blah blah blah blah blah....blah!"
We started the day by looking up "hamster care" on the internet. Then we called around to price set ups. Then we went down to Petsmart to "audition" the hamsters. We decided to NOT get a hamster from Petsmart because they were not friendly. (the hamsters, not the employees..lol). We did buy the set up from there because it was considerably cheaper than at Petco. We then went to Petco and held every. single. hamster. they. had. Boo had to find one that A. he liked and B. was ok with being handled.
We settled on a little gray short haired girl. She's very sweet and has been ok with being handled. We did take the employees suggestion and didn't take her out of her cage for 24 hours. (Apparently if you take them out in the first day, they become escape artists).
We are 36 hours into our hamster ownership and Boo is being very attentive. The goal is to teach him responsibility, empathy, and kindness. He has already told me he wanted to send her back to the pet store because he's afraid he won't be able to do everything. I reassured him that I will help him (the plan is that I will supervise all of the interaction/cleaning/feeding.) He is also aware that if he starts raging, hamster cannot be near him. This will hopefully also show him that his rages affect EVERYONE.
So that's all for now. Until next time.....

Pablo's birthday

Last year I was fortunate enough to have been "introduced" to Pablo. No, I never met him but I followed his dad's blog. Pablo was another cancer warrior who lost the battle to this ugly disease June 27th, 2009. Please join me in lifting Pablo's family up in prayer. Pablo's 7th birthday is tomorrow June 21st.
You can read more about Pablo and his very awesome family HERE

And on Facebook Pablove Foundation

Happy Birthday, Pablo!!! xoxoxo

Bo Brag....

I know I tend to post more about Boo and his challenges/triumphs so I thought I'd give a Bo update!

My sweet third child is honestly one of the most empathetic and compassionate children I know. Of course I'm biased as his mother, but truly he is! If someone is upset, he is always right there to comfort them. I am constantly telling him to never change or lose his ability to empathize with people because it's such a wonderful gift!

It is not easy being Boo's older brother. Bo has the patience of a saint (most of the time ;) ).

It is the end of the school year and we are trying to tie up loose ends and get as much schoolwork finished as possible before we take our break. Bo HATES to do his braille. He absolutely detests it. It's hard for him to concentrate and using a Brailler takes concentration and strong fingers. Through it all, and with the guidance, EXTREME patience and kindness of his Braille teacher, Bo has succeeded in learning not only the entire Braille alphabet but also 30+ contractions (basically shorthand for Braille). He is not yet reading well with his fingers. He still wants to read the dots on the paper instead of feeling them. That will come in time but for now he is able to use his Brailler to type sentences, paragraphs and letters. I am so proud of him for his hard work!

Bo may never "need" to use Braille but then again, he may. There is no guarantee that his vision will be stable forever. His prescription has gotten stronger over the last couple of years and most likely will continue to do so as he gets closer to the teenage years. He needs to have as many back up plans for reading as possible. He LOVES to read and it is definitely a strength of his.

That's all for now....until next time......(I promise more Bo updates on the way)

15 letters AND their sounds!!!

I tested Boo last week on his letters. I caught him in a rather cooperative mood and since he "wanted" to do school (there have been more and more moments like this lately PRAISE GOD!), I figured I'd see how much he's absorbed this year.

It turns out that my brilliant child has learned 15 letters and their sounds so far!!! When we started this school year, he only knew 7! He also didn't really know the sounds of the letters but guess what?? He is finally putting it all together!!! We've started a trial program using Headsprout
It's similar to Starfall but it seems to be a little more captivating for Boo so we're going to continue with the free trial and then decide if we want to purchase the whole deal.

I can't tell you how happy I am that Boo is progressing. I know it may seem like a small step forward but for us this is a huge leap in the right direction. Repetition, repetition, repetition! It is the mantra for learning in the FASD world! He needs to hear things over and over to absorb it. The conditions have to be just right. He won't learn/absorb if he's upset or anxious. He needs to be in a calm state with an eagerness to learn. Boo's brain doesn't just gather new info and store it. It takes him several times before it starts to sink in.

I realize most children are like this as well but this goes above and beyond your average neuro-typical child. To get Boo to a place where he's calm and relaxed is a great feat! His engine runs at 90 miles an hour from the second he wakes up til the second he crashes at night. There is no "down time" except when he's sleeping. Even then, he often tosses and turns, yells, kicks, etc in his sleep. Imagine your worst night's sleep, then waking up and being given 20 cups of coffee or soda (caffeine), now imagine going to work or school with that body. You're amped but you're tired. You're cranky and easily agitated but the expectations are that you will behave and you will do your job/schoolwork. Now imagine living that life every. single. day.
(Of course to make the above scenario fair, you'd have to imagine having brain damage that prevents you from learning easily, anxiety, a sense that people are out to get you and the inability to regulate your emotions, then you could have a sense of what Boo feels every day). It's not a pretty picture so the fact that he has 15 letters in his brain, is cause for celebration!
That's all for now..

Until next time....

Fish Oil!

We started our fish oil supplements! We are using Carlson's which is a very trusted brand.

Fish oil, specifically EPA and DHA, have been found to help with ADHD and mood disorders. You can read more about it HERE

I started taking it too because 1. I'm hoping it will help me some with my health issues and 2. I'm trying to set a good example for Boo. It really doesn't taste bad at all. It has a strong lemon flavor so there are no fish burps. Boo calls it "lemon oil". The worst part about it is getting used to swallowing oil. It's an odd sensation and for children with sensory issues, it may be harder to get in them. However, I'm hoping the benefits outweigh the icky factor.

Boo has been a trooper taking it. I have mixed it with some lemonade and he really doesn't mind at all. My hope is that it would make a significant enough difference in Boo's mood that we could maybe pull back on one of his meds. We'll see how it goes and I'll keep you posted.

Until next time.....

Heartburn and Heartache

Tonight I have both! My oldest told me last week "Do you realize how much you've aged in the last 6 years, mom?!" Well after I resisted my urge to cry and scream at her for saying such a rude thing, I realized......she was right. My health has taken a tumble (not that it has ever been great). I've been better at making and keeping appts. but I have a long list of things that I should be doing.

*exercise (yeah right...I'll squeeze that in right after my bon bons and General Hospital)

*giving up caffeine (oh ok, then I'll give up breathing too...same thing)

*taking vitamins regularly (this I CAN do and have already begun ;) )

*cutting out fatty foods and sugar (this isn't as bad as caffeine but it's so stinkin difficult!)


I am working on changing some thing about myself. I feel like I've made some significant strides in the last few months and I'm proud of myself for doing those things but I have to get serious about my health. My children need me. They need me to set a good example. They need to see me taking care of myself so that they will do the same when their lives get chaotic and hectic.

Now onto the heartache: My heart longs for another baby. My body is not strong enough to handle another pregnancy and that hurts me more than I can describe in words. We've dealt with secondary infertility for several years. It's something that I have no control over. We won't go to specialists because we feel that God has a plan for us to adopt again. We know it will happen but it's the waiting that is hard. How do you know when to add another child when you have special needs children? Is it fair to them? Is it fair to the other children? Is it fair to your marriage? There are so many questions and concerns. However, I am a mommy who has seen the faces of orphans. I have seen babies who just need a mommy and papa (our term for daddy) to love them. How do you turn your back when you know those babies are out there needing a forever home? I can't answer that question. We are not in a place today to adopt another baby. But I know we will be in that place again. Until then, I can only pray for God's perfect timing to be clear to us and for my health to be restored so that I can be the strongest, healthiest mom I can be to my children.

That's all for now....until next time.......

Did you know? Facts about FASD

Did you know that *when a woman takes a drink when she's pregnant, the developing baby gets that same amount of alcohol? There is no "filter" with alcohol. Whatever mom drinks, baby drinks.

*The central nervous system is forming from day 1 to delivery in a fetus. Alcohol can affect the brain's development at any time during pregnancy causing PERMANENT brain damage.

*There is a chart here: http://www.fasdcenter.samhsa.gov/documents/WYNK_Effects_Fetus.pdf that shows the stages of development in a fetus.

*FASD is the leading cause of mental retardation in the United States.

Therapy?

We've had a therapist coming over once a week for a few months now. I really like her but I dread when she comes. She comes to help Boo process through all of his feelings about adoption. She also comes to help me deal with my "junk" as I put it.

Let's face it. We all have "junk". None of us had perfect childhoods. We've all gone through a rough time here or there. Everyone could benefit from some sort of therapy at some point in their life. (disclaimer: I'm not judging anyone who doesn't go to therapy because it's not for everyone. I'm making a generalization).

Anyway, today I was dreading our appt. because I just didn't want to talk about myself. I didn't want to drudge up old wounds. It just feels "uncomfortable".

Apparently Boo feels the same way because when the therapist started working with him, he began RAGING. I won't go into all the details but it lasted two hours, ended with Boo and me sobbing (literally), and resulted in our living room being destroyed.

The thing about having a child with FASD is that there is no sure fire treatment. Therapy is helpful for most people. Most people can connect the dots, vent and heal. Boo has many wounds that may or may not heal. He may feel healed one day and the next forget the progress he made the day before. That is the way of FAS. So why keep going? Well, you throw everything you can at it and hope that some stuff sticks. That's what we need to do. This therapy may help Boo. It may not. We don't know but we can't give up. We'll keep trying different things until something works.

Well, I'm finding myself falling asleep as I type this so I'm going to call it a night. Until next time.......

"I'm sorry, mommy"

Those three words brought me to my knees today. We are in a medication trial phase right now so things have been a little more roller coaster-esque for Boo. He has had several meltdowns in the last week or so. Today was no exception. He took a nap today and upon awaking, I told him that we would go to the Nature Center (a nice big hiking park near our house. It feels like a cross between the Hundred Acre woods and the Jungle Cruise ride at Disneyland).
Anyway, he yelled that he didn't want to go. He refused to get up and change (still in his pj's from the morning). He screamed, yelled, and tantrumed for a good hour. Everyone was anxious to go. We were all waiting on Boo to settle down. Finally, I was in the kitchen making some PB and J's to take with us and Boo comes up to me and says....."I'm sorry, mommy.....sometimes I just can't control my temper". I got down on my knees to his level, gave him a massive hug and told him that I was so proud of him for apologizing and that it's ok and I love him.

This was HUGE. Boo is such a sensitive soul. He shows empathy towards people. He is compassionate and loving. His self regulation is just broken. He can't control his anger sometimes and it scares him. It scares US. We don't want him to feel so angry and out of control all the time.

So today was rough but we made some progress.

**Although I have to add the disclaimer that it's 11:30 pm and Boo was just tantruming because he couldn't eat 3 ice cream sandwiches right now. One step forward, two steps back, right?

Until next time.........

Ideas, seeds, growth

I love watching old episodes of I Love Lucy. My husband thinks I am just like Lucy in some ways. I have some great ideas that don't always turn out great. I've come up with some humdingers, let me tell you. One time, a dear friend and I had a great idea to go buy an above ground pool. It was hot, our kids (I only had one at the time) were little and hey, seemed like a good idea. I picked one that would have given my husband a heart attack ($$$) and proceeded to ask the pool man if he thought we could have it up and running before my husband came home from work? Thankfully the answer was NO, and I ultimately decided against that plan. Another time I had the great idea of free hand drawing a mural on my daughter's wall (she was 2 and an only child at the time). I figured I would paint uneven green strokes on the bottom of the wall and add flowers about halfway up (grass/flowers). This turned out poorly. I think my two year old would have done a better job. Art has never been my forte.
My sweet husband has always been supportive of my endeavors. Although most of my endeavors are started while my sweet husband is at work ;) I could write a book on all of my "great ideas" that ended in disaster or could have been turned into a sitcom.

However, even though I've had my fair share of "Lucy" ideas, I've also had some inspiring ideas that have come from meditation and prayer. Once we were presented with a special needs adoption. It was a baby girl who was deaf. My heart broke for her and I instantly wanted to move forward. I prayed and prayed and pleaded with my husband that it was the right thing to do because I just "felt" it in my heart. Well we started moving forward but it was soon clear to us that it was not our time and this child was not meant to come to us. I had peace about it. It was good.

I shared that story because there is another "big idea" brewing in me lately. It's not another adoption (that is down the road). It's something that has been building in me since I was born, I think. My grandma used to tell me that everyone is special. God has a purpose for everyone. I truly believe this. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know that God has plans for me (as He does for everyone). I feel that things are coming together lately for something huge. I can't wait to share it with you but you'll have to wait a little longer as I'm still working out the details ;)

It will be something that will impact my Boo, and every child and family out there that is affected by alcohol and drugs. I'm planting a seed and I can't wait to see how it grows!

Until next time.....

I want to fix it!!!!

I'll talk more about my extended break and blog changes in my next post but I have to get this out because it's eating me alive lately.

I WANT TO FIX MY CHILD!!!

There I said it! I want to fix his hurt, anger, frustration, confusion and pain. I want him to feel carefree, secure, happy, and confident!
Boo wakes up in the morning and part of his brain is turned on full speed ahead. His body is still waking up and parts of his brain are still groggy. This makes for a frustrated, antsy, and sometimes angry child. He wants cereal, no, not that kind. He wants to play a game, no not that one. He wants his brother to wake up and play with him but I remind him that we don't wake up our brother when he's still asleep. Why not? Well, he is sleeping and would you like me to wake you----I WANT BO TO PLAY WITH ME, I WANT BO TO PLAY WITH ME (repeat x 1 million add screaming and yelling liberally)

This is just the first five minutes after Boo wakes up! Yes, it does sound like he's being unreasonable and some might even label this "bratty" behavior. Well you can judge all you want (general you, not my readers ;) ) but the fact remains that my son is brain damaged. The womb for Boo was an abusive environment. He was drinking and getting high when he should have been growing and developing. He was feeling stress and pain. He was hearing anger and rejection when he should have been hearing the soothing sound of his mommy's voice. He was lacking nutrition and prenatal care. What does this all mean? It means that my Boo's brain is lacking many of the necessary elements to help him function. He has to work at controlling his emotions every. second. of. the. day. He has to work at listening to what other people are telling him because his brain cannot process all the words people are saying. He has to work at feeling calm because his natural state is anxious. What every other child just does naturally, Boo has to work extra hard to accomplish.

The worst part of it all? I CAN'T FIX IT! I can't take away his anxiety. I can't fix the broken parts of his brain. I can't turn back time and cure his birth mother of her addictions and mental illnesses. I can't do it. It's a horrible feeling. It's one that I am struggling with every day. It shakes me to my core and leaves me feeling like I have failed. I didn't cause this and yet I feel responsible. I feel anger at myself for not being there to protect him even though I didn't know him. I can't rationalize my feelings. I realize they are irrational yet they are real. They are real to Boo too. He is angry at me. He is angry that I took him from his birth mother. He has every right to be mad and sad. He lost his mother. As much as I love him and as much as we pour into him, it will never fill the hole that his birth mother left. I often tell people that I wish Boo could feel what I feel towards him because then he would know how much I love him. But even then, all the love in the world is not going to fix the loss of his first mother.

So then it boils down to this: I can't fix him. I can love him, teach him, be his mommy, his teacher, his foundation but I can't fix him. I need to turn to the One who loves him even more than I do. I need to put my faith in Him because He says:
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding."
proverbs 3:5

It's easier said than done but I need to remind myself of this often. I need to model my faith for Boo so that he can learn to trust in God too.

That's all for now.

Blog Break

I've taken an extended break from this blog. There is so much I want to write about but when I start writing, I feel like I have to filter it all so much as not to give away too many private details of our family.

I'm not gone forever, but I'm trying to figure out how to change things a bit here on this blog.

Please be patient as I work it out. Thanks!