Friday, April 30, 2010

I want to fix it!!!!

I'll talk more about my extended break and blog changes in my next post but I have to get this out because it's eating me alive lately.


There I said it! I want to fix his hurt, anger, frustration, confusion and pain. I want him to feel carefree, secure, happy, and confident!
Boo wakes up in the morning and part of his brain is turned on full speed ahead. His body is still waking up and parts of his brain are still groggy. This makes for a frustrated, antsy, and sometimes angry child. He wants cereal, no, not that kind. He wants to play a game, no not that one. He wants his brother to wake up and play with him but I remind him that we don't wake up our brother when he's still asleep. Why not? Well, he is sleeping and would you like me to wake you----I WANT BO TO PLAY WITH ME, I WANT BO TO PLAY WITH ME (repeat x 1 million add screaming and yelling liberally)

This is just the first five minutes after Boo wakes up! Yes, it does sound like he's being unreasonable and some might even label this "bratty" behavior. Well you can judge all you want (general you, not my readers ;) ) but the fact remains that my son is brain damaged. The womb for Boo was an abusive environment. He was drinking and getting high when he should have been growing and developing. He was feeling stress and pain. He was hearing anger and rejection when he should have been hearing the soothing sound of his mommy's voice. He was lacking nutrition and prenatal care. What does this all mean? It means that my Boo's brain is lacking many of the necessary elements to help him function. He has to work at controlling his emotions every. second. of. the. day. He has to work at listening to what other people are telling him because his brain cannot process all the words people are saying. He has to work at feeling calm because his natural state is anxious. What every other child just does naturally, Boo has to work extra hard to accomplish.

The worst part of it all? I CAN'T FIX IT! I can't take away his anxiety. I can't fix the broken parts of his brain. I can't turn back time and cure his birth mother of her addictions and mental illnesses. I can't do it. It's a horrible feeling. It's one that I am struggling with every day. It shakes me to my core and leaves me feeling like I have failed. I didn't cause this and yet I feel responsible. I feel anger at myself for not being there to protect him even though I didn't know him. I can't rationalize my feelings. I realize they are irrational yet they are real. They are real to Boo too. He is angry at me. He is angry that I took him from his birth mother. He has every right to be mad and sad. He lost his mother. As much as I love him and as much as we pour into him, it will never fill the hole that his birth mother left. I often tell people that I wish Boo could feel what I feel towards him because then he would know how much I love him. But even then, all the love in the world is not going to fix the loss of his first mother.

So then it boils down to this: I can't fix him. I can love him, teach him, be his mommy, his teacher, his foundation but I can't fix him. I need to turn to the One who loves him even more than I do. I need to put my faith in Him because He says:
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding."
proverbs 3:5

It's easier said than done but I need to remind myself of this often. I need to model my faith for Boo so that he can learn to trust in God too.

That's all for now.