I want to fix it!!!!

I'll talk more about my extended break and blog changes in my next post but I have to get this out because it's eating me alive lately.

I WANT TO FIX MY CHILD!!!

There I said it! I want to fix his hurt, anger, frustration, confusion and pain. I want him to feel carefree, secure, happy, and confident!
Boo wakes up in the morning and part of his brain is turned on full speed ahead. His body is still waking up and parts of his brain are still groggy. This makes for a frustrated, antsy, and sometimes angry child. He wants cereal, no, not that kind. He wants to play a game, no not that one. He wants his brother to wake up and play with him but I remind him that we don't wake up our brother when he's still asleep. Why not? Well, he is sleeping and would you like me to wake you----I WANT BO TO PLAY WITH ME, I WANT BO TO PLAY WITH ME (repeat x 1 million add screaming and yelling liberally)

This is just the first five minutes after Boo wakes up! Yes, it does sound like he's being unreasonable and some might even label this "bratty" behavior. Well you can judge all you want (general you, not my readers ;) ) but the fact remains that my son is brain damaged. The womb for Boo was an abusive environment. He was drinking and getting high when he should have been growing and developing. He was feeling stress and pain. He was hearing anger and rejection when he should have been hearing the soothing sound of his mommy's voice. He was lacking nutrition and prenatal care. What does this all mean? It means that my Boo's brain is lacking many of the necessary elements to help him function. He has to work at controlling his emotions every. second. of. the. day. He has to work at listening to what other people are telling him because his brain cannot process all the words people are saying. He has to work at feeling calm because his natural state is anxious. What every other child just does naturally, Boo has to work extra hard to accomplish.

The worst part of it all? I CAN'T FIX IT! I can't take away his anxiety. I can't fix the broken parts of his brain. I can't turn back time and cure his birth mother of her addictions and mental illnesses. I can't do it. It's a horrible feeling. It's one that I am struggling with every day. It shakes me to my core and leaves me feeling like I have failed. I didn't cause this and yet I feel responsible. I feel anger at myself for not being there to protect him even though I didn't know him. I can't rationalize my feelings. I realize they are irrational yet they are real. They are real to Boo too. He is angry at me. He is angry that I took him from his birth mother. He has every right to be mad and sad. He lost his mother. As much as I love him and as much as we pour into him, it will never fill the hole that his birth mother left. I often tell people that I wish Boo could feel what I feel towards him because then he would know how much I love him. But even then, all the love in the world is not going to fix the loss of his first mother.

So then it boils down to this: I can't fix him. I can love him, teach him, be his mommy, his teacher, his foundation but I can't fix him. I need to turn to the One who loves him even more than I do. I need to put my faith in Him because He says:
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding."
proverbs 3:5

It's easier said than done but I need to remind myself of this often. I need to model my faith for Boo so that he can learn to trust in God too.

That's all for now.

Blog Break

I've taken an extended break from this blog. There is so much I want to write about but when I start writing, I feel like I have to filter it all so much as not to give away too many private details of our family.

I'm not gone forever, but I'm trying to figure out how to change things a bit here on this blog.

Please be patient as I work it out. Thanks!

Out with the old, in with the new......

We have a few days left of 2009 but I figured I'd better get a jump on this post or it will be a few more weeks before I get to it.

I am looking forward to the new year. I like the idea of wiping the slate clean and starting anew. I don't like to make resolutions but this year I'm making an exception. It will be interesting in a year from now to reflect back and see if I've kept any of them ;) I'm still working on that list so I'll post it once it's polished.

In the meantime, I'm focusing on celebrating 17 years of marriage with my wonderful husband this Saturday! It's hard to believe that 17 years have passed when it feels like yesterday we were barely going on our first date! The time has certainly passed quickly and although we have gone through some pretty difficult times, I wouldn't change it for the world.

I should have known he was a keeper from early on in our relationship when I told him I wanted ten children and he didn't run...LOL! While we're still learning and growing, I am looking forward to the next 17 years and what/who they will bring to us.

Until next time...or next year ;) ................

Forgetting to take care of yourself when you have Special needs children...

This isn't unique to special needs parenting as many moms put off their own health issues to concentrate on their children's needs. However, I am super guilty of putting off all of my Dr's appts.
I was supposed to see a specialist last year and kept putting it off, canceled an appt due to babysitting issues, etc.
I have three referrals in my purse for different doctors and thankfully I finally took care of one appt. on Friday. It was for a (dun dun duuuun) mammogram! I had never had one and was not looking forward to it because A. I had heard not so fun stories about them and B. I was having one due to a lump so it was extra stressful. It all turned out fine in the end but it was really scary, stressful and full of emotions that I wasn't prepared for. I don't like to be on the patient end of things.
I have countless health problems and I don't have the luxury of spending my days and money at the Dr's office. Yes I realize that if I don't take care of myself, then I won't be around to take care of my children but those thoughts don't cross my mind when I'm just trying to get through each day.
So what's a mom to do? How do you juggle your own health and advocacy for a proper diagnosis when you are busy doing the same for two other children?
One of my New Years resolutions will be making and keeping all of my appts. I know that once I get everything taken care of, I will feel much better so I just need to do it...but I need to find the time...and a babysitter...
Until next time......

Some resources to share....

In my pursuit of finding some curriculum that will help support Bo and Boo's specific needs, I've stumbled upon a few websites I thought I'd share with the blogging world :)

First I found Tuned Into Learning
This is a fabulous site with a great curriculum set to songs! You can order a free sample CD too and it comes fast! (It focuses on not only academics but also social skills!)

The next one is Move To Learn
It is another site for children with learning disabilities. It even has a free LD evaluation to help parents. The products themselves are pricey but it seems worth it if you can afford it.

The third is a site that I will make into a permanent link on my site. It is called 4 Paws for Ability
It is a wonderful agency that provides service dogs to children with all different disabilities. It is also the first agency to train services dogs for children with FASD. They will also train dogs for more than one child in a family (with a disability). We are very excited about this and are looking into this as an option for our boys!

I hope these sites will help and while I have many more to share, I need to figure out a way to better bundle them. Until next time.............

"In all things, give thanks" 1 Thessalonians 5:18

I am thankful for my husband, my children, my family and friends. I am thankful for the roof over our heads and for the food in our pantry. I am thankful for my husband's job and the income it brings. I am thankful for my new vacuum (donated by an extremely generous friend). I am thankful for all the people who are sensitive towards our sons' special needs.....

I could go on forever but you get the gist ;)

I hope that everyone has a peaceful and blessed Thanksgiving!

So much to update but no time to do it.....

Life has a way of just taking hold and not giving you time to take a breath. This has been my life lately. There have been big decisions made, lots of stress, lots of frustration, etc.

I'm not going to give specifics because honestly I just don't have it in me to write it all out right now. I'm tired. I'm hurting both emotionally and physically. I don't have all the answers to the many challenges we are faced with each day and after a while, it just wears me down.

I'm not going to lie and say that my bible is open every day and that I take time out each day to pray uninterrupted. I do pray but not nearly enough. I have found myself praying more in recent months than ever before in my life. I know this is a good thing. I know that God is trying to tell me that I need to rely on Him for strength and answers. I tend to forget that. I tend to call out to Him in ways that are not necessarily "prayerful" if you know what I mean. Example: Boo is screaming at the top of his lungs at 3 in the morning because he has woken up and his engine is turned on and he decides he NEEDS a bowl of cereal right that moment. That is a moment in which God hears me call His name in a less than prayerful manner.

I am working on this. I am realizing each day that I need Him. I have always "known" this but never realized just how much until recently.

As far as my journey as an author is concerned, I am still tossing this idea around. Thanks to my dear friend Heather (Zoey's mom)
I'll keep everyone posted on this but lately I've just been in deep thought about so much. I apologize for not updating more frequently. I am working on it.

Until next time........